I've had a couple of questions as to what sent me on this spiritual journey. Well, I was raised in a good Christian home. My parents raised me as a Baptist and my family are all Baptist. Like any child I had many questions, and I never really felt like I got any answers to them. This feeling led to more questions as I grew older and became the dreaded rebellious teen. Now don't get me wrong, I always believed in God. There were times when I didn't fully know why I did and wondered if it was only because the idea had been drilled into my head as a child. I didn't go to church, feeling that it was full of nothing but hypocrites. All the teenagers I went to church with were at parties that I wouldn't even go to on the weekends, doing way worse things than I did. The adults seemed to only be there to judge what everyone was wearing or to pass judgement on those who didn't come that week. I made the decision that I was better off without those influences. Depression ensued and I didn't understand why I just couldn't seem to ever be happy. I became bitter and judgemental of everything and everyone around me.
Around the age of 26 I was working at a local library and had become good friends with one of my coworkers. The two of us went out for dinner after work one night at a little sports bar down the road. We were sitting and talking, miss negativity with this guy who seemed to have so much life in him I thought one day he'd shoot right off the earth without the need of a rocket ship. I don't remember what we were talking about or what I said, I just remember him looking at me with a very serious expression that seemed to come out of no where and said "Why are you so negative." Well this hit me hard. I didn't have an answer for him and I hadn't even noticed that I'd been THAT negative, for him to call me on it like that. I thought on his question for the rest of the night to no avail. The decision was clear, I didn't want to be that person, so I had to do something. I tried so hard for a few weeks after that to change my views on people and the world, but it was way harder than I ever thought it would be. During this time I transitioned into a new job in a new town, which really didn't make things any easier. Then one day, at the book store, I came across a book called The Usual Suspect by Stephen Baldwin. I had no idea he had written a book, didn't even know he was still around. I always liked him and his movies, and I needed a good read to kill some time. I bought it without looking at the back. I had not clue what the book was about, just assumed since it was written by him and had his face as the cover art it must be an autobiography, so what did I have to loose. Well let me tell you, I devoured this book. I caught myself taking notes and smiling anytime I was reading it. I couldn't stop talking about it, I wanted everyone else to read it. The book was all about his conversion into a Christian. Apparently it wasn't easy for him either. I found myself finding comfort in his words and feeling like maybe I wasn't a lost cause after all. Well after reading his book, and with my new found excitement for God, I went back to the old church that I had grown up in. I rededicated my life that very day and went back that night for more. I found myself being way more positive and a bit happier, but still feeling that something wasn't right. Then I started having those same old feelings about the people in the church. I once again quit going. Some time passed and I was in the mall on a Sunday when I heard music coming from what use to be a movie theater. I started questioning people about it and they said that a church had started meeting in there. That they were different and people didn't really know what to make of it yet but they seemed to be popular with the younger crowd. My interest was peaked so I found out they called themselves Hope Community and had a website. After contacting them and asking many questions I went to join them the next Sunday. I was blown away. This church had a live band, drums, electric guitars and all. The preacher was young and energetic. The people around me were all so warm. I loved it here and immediately felt like I belonged. I started going every Sunday to this church which was an hour drive from my home. Not many of my peers thought it was good for me. Not only was I putting miles on my car and gas was outrageous. This church was nondenominational and didn't sing worship hymns, they sang contemporary songs to rock and roll. But I loved it and began to feel better about myself. I finally talked some of my family into joining me. My dad really liked it and was really proud that I had found a church I felt so strongly about. Then he became ill. Within 3 months time of being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer he was dead. I didn't go to church during this time, feeling that if I was going to be in the town with the hospital that my dad was in then I needed to be there with him. Once he died, I didn't really know how to go back. I felt like to much time had gone by and I was different. My dad was such a strong Christian and from the things he said to me I had no doubt in God or faith. I never went through the "angry at God" phase. I just didn't know how to go to church after that. I started wondering about others who don't go to church, and people who didn't know about God in other cultures. What happened to them. I started to mentally roam aimlessly. Then I picked up a book called Eat Pray Love by Melissa Gilbert in a book swap at work. Now I surprised myself picking this book up. Normally if I'm going to read a book it's either horror related or the biography of someone I really like. But I found myself drawn to this book. Now I'm only talking about the book here, the movies was absolutely horrible. But yet again here was a book I couldn't put down. I related to the character deeply. Not with her relationship problems, I was never a clingy person but completely the opposite. But with her views on religion I was right there with her. I found myself saying "this is exactly what I've been trying to say but didn't have the words for it." I loved this book and can't even tell you how many times I have read it. This book is what has truly inspired me to start this blog and to truly seek out spirituality without taking no for an answer. I will no longer quit because I don't feel right about some aspect of the people around me, this isn't their journey it's mine. If I don't feel that I'm in the right place, instead of quiting I'll just find another place. I'll keep looking and growing until I reach what I'm meant to reach. I'm well aware that this could be a very long journey but I'm ready.
PS. I feel that I should clarify something. It isn't that I ever "left God behind" or stopped believing. I just felt that I wasn't really close to Him. That is what this journey is mostly about. I'm trying to find my way closer to God. Trying to find a way to be at peace with my life here on earth, my relationship with those that I love, and my relationship with God.
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