What Now?

I had an epiphany this weekend, but first a little back ground on me for those of you who don't know me personally.

I've always been the girl who, as a child, never played house.  I played babysitter, teacher, camp, college; but never played mommy with the dolls.  I did play with dolls, just not in the traditional mommy/baby way.  That was someone else's job.  I also never played house pretending to be married.  As I grew up I had many dates and many boyfriends and a few serious relationships.  I always said whatever happens, happens.  I wasn't the girl who dreamed of white weddings or what my kids' names would be.  It never mattered to me if I ever got married or had children.  All I wanted was to be happy, and I've always tended to be more happy alone. Through the years I've labeled myself as "not the marrying kind."  I have friends with wonderful children, who I love dearly.  I love to visit them and play with the kids, and wouldn't take anything for the time I get to spend with them.  But the great thing about them being other peoples kids is that when I get tired I can go home.  When they start crying I can had them back to their mom.  None of the hard stuff falls on me. 

But something shifted this weekend.

This weekend I went to a couple of children's birthday parties.  Saturday and Sunday were both filled with the happiness of little ones running and playing.  It clicked...I realized I have been missing out.  On my drive home from the last party it all came crashing down on top of my head.  I want a family, I want a child.  Yes you heard me.  Those of you who do know me are screaming WHAT!? at your screens right now.  And what kills me about this epiphany is that there isn't really anything I can do about it.  I'm at the mercy of meeting a guy that I can actually stand and think I can handle being with for a REALLY long time.  Not an easy feet. 

I talked to a friend of mine last night who thought all of this was the funniest thing she's heard.  She predicts that when this guy does come along I'll just get cold feet and run away screaming, or become indecisive about the whole ordeal.  She does know me better than anyone else. 

Who knows what will happen.  I know whatever is suppose to happen will, and it's all in God's hands and time.  I just wish things would start to happen soon, I'm not getting any younger.  Could this possibly be what they mean when they talk about the sound of the biological clock ticking?  And who knows if I'll even be able to have kids.  I've seen friends have countless miscarriages and a couple of others have to spend thousands on invetro.  But this is the first time I've ever felt that I really wanted any of this, and now I'm starting to get scared that I may not get to have it.